i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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