I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
