you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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