I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I think your dad took our porno
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
