Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
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