Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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