You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I cut my penus on the lid.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
