if only i could text you this smell
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize