As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
