I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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