is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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