Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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