The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
