we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
