is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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