I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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