You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
