you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
