tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
