Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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