twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
