His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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