I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
