I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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