Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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