1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
