remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Randomize
