If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
