Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Two words: blizzard sex
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
