I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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