two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
