So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
