woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
