hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
