whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
