I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
