I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize