he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
