I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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