i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
