Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
