bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
