I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
