There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
