I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
