You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
