She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
