i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
