yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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