New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
