Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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