theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I need to sanitize my soul.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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