His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
