My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
