Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
